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“I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on.” This is place where I usually write things like stories, or just feelings...
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Not too long ago, when we spoke about the future, he mentioned he couldn't promise that he would love me forever... I cried, and felt sick (like if he was cheating or something). I thought we were in love, I thought we had a future. Stupidly since then, I've had doubt... So much doubt and I can't stop thinking about it... I believe we are both so happy, or at least I am.
I often don't look back through pictures, or try to be the "perfect" girlfriend. But lately I just want to surprise him. It's been two years, two amazing years. The best two years of my life. Moments that are so perfect that is easy to get depressed for not wanting them to end. Although it sounds stupid, I am terrified of this not working. Us, our future, our present... I don't want to force it, but I need to try. I need to feel loved, anything in between is not worth pursuing (or so I was told). I remember making myself that promise.
I am looking back at our pictures and I hate to wonder... Will I have to delete them one day. When is it safe to stop? I am scared of losing the most important part of me. The only part I look forward to... I am scared to lose my best friend.
It's been a month since our conversation and I remembered something he sent me when we started dating. I decided to searched through my messages the word "marriage"... I remember this was one of the first conversations we had. I forgot how long the paragraph was, I forgot how much I didn't read it. Actually, I did, I read it, but I didn't understand it.
He told me this since day one. He sent me a passage of his idea of marriage, his idea of commitment and love. I remember telling him marriage was just a contract... But God, is not. Understanding that love is not for now or forever and that you are willing to give your life for someone else, is love. The understanding that someone else has the freedom to choose and that it can end or flourish makes it even more meaningful.
Starting today, it's simple. Regardless of my insecurities, and the fact that he might find someone better than me... I am in love. I am in love and I will continue to be myself, I will grow and continue to work hard for us, but because I want to be better. I want to fall in love with myself before I can allow him to do the same.
Labels: 2016, Breakup, heartbroken, letter to my ex-boyfriend
I try to…
They often say that smart people learn from their mistakes, but the wise learn from others. I think that ‘til this day everything has proved this point… in many different ways. I live by this quote… well, at least I try to. Actually, I thank god in many different ways for all the experiences that I been able to have, see and experience in this live. I’m thankful… I really am. I’m glad I have average challenges and I’m glad my life is not that easy also. I think that makes me stronger … in numerous and different ways.
Many other people have it really tough though. Neighbors, friends… family; if you really look around, if you analyze you might get what I’m trying to explicate. Anyways, [going back to the original message] I’m glad I’m me. Why? Well because at least I don’t have to deal with things like my friends do… [You know the usual] drugs… weed, coke…sex, drama, sneaking out, hiding, stealing, cops, running away from home…etc. Regardless what I do, everything seems normal, nothing surprises me anymore (I’m glad actually), I mean the world is not getting any better, so why not see it the way it is? Yeah, my friends might NOW be cool, but I really hope they get to have a “cool” FUTURE. I hope they keep enjoying life without its consequences, I hope it doesn’t come back to them. I hope they stop at some point too. Most of them are too smart, too talented, too funny, too … too them. I would hate to see them in the streets a few years from now, you know, asking for money or selling themselves for drugs or alcohol. Neh, nothing is perfect, nothing is planned… we can try to make things happen for ourselves, but we can’t always make things happen for others. See… that would break the whole purpose of life and it would go against the rules of learning and teaching. I like to think that if they’re under that circumstance is for a reason which they have to learn to overcome themselves in order for them to learn the lesson. Yeah… sometimes helping them is part of our mission; sometimes I think I help too much. Too often also. I have problems of my own, you know. I said I liked being me… I never said I was perfect. If that was the case I probably wouldn’t be writing this …
We all have that paper from school where we list or legal guardian. You know… that person that takes us to school, or is responsible for us (at least most of the time). For most of us it’s our parents or grandparents. And within our parents one of them always stands out in the papers that we have to take back signed. My case would be my mom. Not because girls rule or anything like that, but because she deals with the people and my dad deals with us. Simple as that. I know I’ve never motioned my family, and I know that maybe it doesn’t sound like they’re important, but they are. Somehow they are. This is family can truly be described as a puzzle. My dad is maybe the most valuable piece (not to give him more credit than mom, but he is especial in his own way). My dad is younger than my mom by [we can say a] good amount of years (I find that kinda cool actually). Regardless of the age difference they seem happy and in love. Everything is fine with our lives; I would say… the only thing that’s dragging us down would be my dad’s disease at this point. My father suffers a combination of diabetes and depression. It’s extremely hard to see your dad complaining about his life every freaking day. It’s difficult when a father reminds you how much they hate the place where they live and the things that they don't have anymore because of you. It’s hard when he blames everything… even his disease on you. And I would say maybe it’s understandable he tries to blame someone else for his condition, but it gets to a point when you get depressed in the process and you start forcing yourself to believe that everything is a nightmare or a bad dream. That’s when you lose the sense of reality and you start questioning yourself about your own existence and your purpose in what we call “life”. Or it gets to a point we’re you can just ignore everything and close you mind just for those 5 minutes… because if you don’t, this might somehow get in your system and make you write stuff like this late at night. And it’s harder when they tell you that they’re just waiting to die, because they lost their sense of living… Yes everything is hard when you get a life like this. No one said this life was easy, no one said everything was gonna be given to us, so I think I should keep my optimism and start living now. Maybe I don’t get to wake up a week from now; maybe I don’t get to wake up in two days or even tomorrow... That’s why I think I should enjoy what I have for now even if it’s not everything or enough. Wish my dad would change he’s way of thinking… wish he was more like.. like his real “himself”. I don’t know at this point. He still has, so many things to see and live. Maybe not in my life but my brothers need him. My mom needs him. I’m pretty sure others too… I hope he can realize that soon. I hope he can stop over analyzing everything and live and enjoy… who knows maybe that’s what he’s doing… All I can say is that I need him, and I don't want him to leave this planet any time soon. Hope he stays here as much as we both can…hopefully.
