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Hey!This is Steph:)

Welcome to http://stephaniebarajas.blogspot.com/!
“I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on.” This is place where I usually write things like stories, or just feelings...
(click anywhere you want):)

Happy New Me

Monday, January 1, 2018, 02:43

Not too long ago, when we spoke about the future, he mentioned he couldn't promise that he would love me forever... I cried, and felt sick (like if he was cheating or something). I thought we were in love, I thought we had a future. Stupidly since then, I've had doubt... So much doubt and I can't stop thinking about it... I believe we are both so happy, or at least I am.

I often don't look back through pictures, or try to be the "perfect" girlfriend. But lately I just want to surprise him. It's been two years, two amazing years. The best two years of my life. Moments that are so perfect that is easy to get depressed for not wanting them to end. Although it sounds stupid, I am terrified of this not working. Us, our future, our present... I don't want to force it, but I need to try. I need to feel loved, anything in between is not worth pursuing (or so I was told). I remember making myself that promise.

I am looking back at our pictures and I hate to wonder... Will I have to delete them one day. When is it safe to stop? I am scared of losing the most important part of me. The only part I look forward to... I am scared to lose my best friend.

It's been a month since our conversation and I remembered something he sent me when we started dating. I decided to searched through my messages the word "marriage"... I remember this was one of the first conversations we had. I forgot how long the paragraph was, I forgot how much I didn't read it. Actually, I did, I read it, but I didn't understand it.

He told me this since day one. He sent me a passage of his idea of marriage, his idea of commitment and love. I remember telling him marriage was just a contract... But God, is not. Understanding that love is not for now or forever and that you are willing to give your life for someone else, is love. The understanding that someone else has the freedom to choose and that it can end or flourish makes it even more meaningful.

Starting today, it's simple. Regardless of my insecurities, and the fact that he might find someone better than me... I am in love. I am in love and I will continue to be myself, I will grow and continue to work hard for us, but because I want to be better. I want to fall in love with myself before I can allow him to do the same.